Vital Information
thumb|400px ."Vital Information" was a recurring segment on All That. It appeared from the first six seasons, and was revived in season 10 and Season 11. Lori Beth Denberg (s1-4) (later Danny Tamberelli(s5/6) Lil' JJ (s10) and Reece Caddell (s11) ) delivered one liners, usually three in a row. It can be seen as the All That version of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Because All That is limited to a single half-hour, as opposed to the 90-minute SNL, there was no time allotted for an actual newscast. It also takes place at a newsdesk, and both skit names involve giving the viewers some sort of news. The similarity is strengthened in the final season of All That, where JJ would only appear in "Vital Information". At the time where Tina Fey was a Weekend Update anchor, she was also head writer, it was the only sketch she would appear in. When Seth Meyers achieved the position after her departure, Meyers also relegated his regular skit appearances to Update. List of Vitals segment featured tidbits of advice "for your everyday life", delivered by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lori_Beth_Denberg Lori Beth Denberg in seasons 1-4, Danny Tamberelli in seasons 5-6, Lil' JJ in season 10, and Reece Caddell in season 11.] *If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be... this old burrito! *It's nice to stop and smell the flowers. It's weird to stop and smell... this old burrito! *If your phone rings, pick it up. If your butt rings, see a doctor. *To get your teacher's attention, it's a bad idea to scream, " Hey, look over here, you freakish animal!". *If you smell smoke in the hallway, you say "FIRE!". If you smell smoke in your pants, you say "Why am I smelling my pants?" *If your house is on fire, quietly turn off your television, put on your shoes...and RUN! YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE; RUN!! *It's not okay to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants. *Homework bad, pizza good. *Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming, "Hey, look who's got your sandwich now". *When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your friend Robert. *Don't pour soup on yourself and run around shouting, "Hey, everybody, look at me! I'm Soup Girl!". *Never kick a man when he's down, just look at him and scream, "Hey, get up, you down on the ground weirdo". *It's rude to walk up to an old person and say, "Hey, has your face always looked like that, or have you just been underwater for the last twenty years?" *Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how this song ever became so stinking popular. *If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm, odds are that ain't apple juice. *Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let go of his toe before the tiger kills you. *If you're ever alone in the hallway with the school bully, it's not a good idea to say, "Hey, is it stupid in here or is it just you?" *Next time you're sick, take a piece of ham and rub it around your skin. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham! *All is fair in love and war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons. *Hey diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish exploded. *The early bird gets the worm. FINE! I don't want the worm. *If someone gives you a kitten, it wouldn't be nice to say, "Oh, thank you. I'm going to name him Rumpface...AFTER YOU!" *Cheaters never prosper. Unless they buy my new book, Cheating the Denberg Way. Available wherever fine books are sold. *Tell your brother that if he eats a lot of uncooked popcorn kernels, he will explode. *It's rude to cover a cow with glue and taunt it by saying, "Sticky Cow, Sticky Cow, OOOOOOOOH! Sticky Cow!" *When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonnaise grows hair. *Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, I hate the Macarena! *If you're on a first date, it's a bad idea to say, "So, what's the biggest loogie you've ever hocked up?" *When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If a giant chariot wheel rolls on your foot, go "YEEOOW!" *Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill just laughed as Jack lay there unconscious. *You should always brush your teeth three times a day. You should never fill your pants with infected fish. *Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking a dozen eggs with a sledgehammer is fun. *When it rains, it pours. When there's a nail in your eye, you go, "AHHHHHH!" *If you see somebody drowning, try throwing a popcorn in their mouth. It's harder than you think. *There's 16 ounces in a pound. There's 38 sheep in my pants. *If your name is Steven and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving, you'll be Steven stuffing Stefan! *A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants can be very uncomfortable. *When it rains, it pours. When it snows, it's cold. *You are what you eat. I am thirteen tacos and a stick of butter. *This little piggy went outside. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy came off! (ripping off her toe) *If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves, you seventeen-fingered freak! *Revenge is sweet. Not as sweet as 10 pounds of sugar! *If you fall in the mud, it's not a good idea to stand up and scream, "I AM THE KING OF MUD CITY, AND YOU ARE ALL MY MUD PEOPLE!" *If you hang a turkey from your Christmas tree and it's the fourth of July, then congratulations, you're a blonde! *Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes. *Miss Susie had a baby, she named him Tiny Tim. She put him in the bathtub to see if he could swim. He drank up all the water; he ate up all the soap; he tried to eat the bathtub, but it wouldn't go down his throat. The moral of this story is, don't name your baby Tiny Tim. *After you eat, wait twenty minutes before swimming. And if you can't swim, wait twenty minutes before drowning. *If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. But if you're afraid of breathing, then you've got about four minutes to live. *It's fun to play in the snow. It's less fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit. *It's no fun to go to the dentist, especially if your dentist pushed you down a flight of stairs. *There's no such thing as a stupid question...unless the question is, "JJ, can I borrow 20 dollars?" NO! *If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in some yabba-dabba doo. *If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable! *Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit with a melon, and I still don't care. *If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. (the audience claps) If you're not happy and you don't know it, clap your monkey. *Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, how I wonder how you smell. *If you throw up in a crowded elevator, it could be unwise to say, "Oh, I shouldn't have eaten that large pizza pie." *Mary had a little lamb. I squished it with my foot. *Wise men say that he who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers. *It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to talk with a mouthful of baby squirrels. *If your teacher gives you an F, it's wrong to say, "Well, what did you expect, moron? I didn't study!" *If your grandmother gives you a pretty new sweater as a gift, it's wrong to thank her by wrapping it around her neck and squeezing till she turns blue. *When an adult asks you what you want to be when you grow up, it's not nice to say, "Well, I wanna be a big old loser, just like you!" *It's rude to walk into a forest and yell out, "HEY, YOU TREES ARE A BUNCH OF MORONS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, JUST COME OVER HERE AND GET ME!" *Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the noise it makes when it hits your Uncle Benny in the booty. *If you're having trouble with your homework, don't go up to your teacher and say, "This homework is too hard! Now gimme a big wet kiss!" *It's good to invent a new soup called Tasty Chicken Barley. It's bad to invent a soup called Broken Glass Chowder. *It's easy to milk a cow. It's weird to milk a toothless hippie named Maurice. *If you're afraid your grandmother might get stolen, stick an alarm up her dress and chain her to the fence! *Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey no see, monkey step in doo. *The cow says "moo." The duck says "quack." The crazy person says "Ayayayayayayayayay!" *If you have no eyes, three lips, and a lizard coming out of your belly button, then you is one weird mama! *It's rude to walk up to a school librarian and say, "Excuse me, but do you have a book on why you're so UGLY?" *People who live in glass houses should always wear pants. *If you're the President of the United States, and you're watching me, right now, then you need to quit watching Nickelodeon and go ahead and fix this country! *Too much junk food will make you fat. Too much hot sauce will make you go, "Aaaaaarrrrgh, too much hot sauce!" *The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down. Eventually, they throw up. *If a dog asks you what your favorite color is, run like the wind, 'cause dogs ain't supposed to talk! *If you're in junior high and you're still wearing a diaper, time to grow up! *If your sister gets a phone call and you answer it, don't say, "My sister ain't here, she's out in the yard flopping in the mud!" *Girls, it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish and then tell people you've invented the "Double Cup Aquarium". *If you want a good grade on a test, don't write at the top of the page: "Dear Teacher, I didn't study for this test. P.S. school is stupid." *When you get out of the shower soaking wet, it's almost impossible to dry yourself with a #2 pencil. *If there is a new kid in school, put a sign on his back that says: "lick the new kid". Then watch the fun begin. *If your mother tells you to sweep the kitchen floor, don't hold your sister upside down and use her head as a broom. *Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack eat chipmunk, Jack get sick. *If you're writing a letter to your grandfather, don't begin with: Dear Bald Wrinkled Man. *When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say, "Oh, I don't need any bags, I just stick the food in my pants." *Three blind mice. See how they run...into things. *When you're on a date, never spread your toes apart and then say "Hey, check out my fungus!" *Next Christmas Eve, leave a big pot of boiling water in the fireplace before bed. The next morning, have a big bowl of Santa noodle soup. *Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree; oh, why am I talking to a Christmas tree? *On Christmas Eve, it's a good idea to leave Santa some milk and cookies. It's a bad idea to leave him some liver and elf juice. *If you feel like an outsider, if you feel all alone, and if you feel like you have no one to talk to, odds are, you have no friends. *If you steal my vital information bit, you better be prepared to sing a song. *Never put underwear on your head and say to people, "I'm little Nancy and this is my pretty new hat". *You won't impress the school principal by telling him, "You're a pretty school principal. Pretty, Pretty, Pretty. Yes, you are". *If it's healthy to eat a well-balanced meal, then it's dangerous to eat a well-balanced nuclear missile. *If you're telling a guy a story and he starts to choke, don't say, "Look, dude, I'm right in the middle of my story". *If you're a guy and you take your grandmother to the school dance, don't yell, "Hey, everybody, look at me; I'm at the school dance with my grandmother! Wooh!" *If a friend of yours falls down a flight of stairs, it's not helpful to say, "You sure looked funny when you fell down that flight of stairs". *If you lose a tooth, don't put it in hot water and then yell "Hey, look at me, everyone, I'm eating tooth soup". *It's wrong to prank phone somebody like this: "Hello; I am full of gas!" *If someone tells you, "Life is like a bowl of cherries", just smack 'em. *Never spit on someone and then say, "That's what spit feels like". *Never take a taco, sit on it and then run around screaming, "Hey, look at that taco stain on my butt". *It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face and then run around screaming, "Look at me! I'm Pork Boy, the breakfast monkey!". *Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you Pork Boy, the breakfast monkey. *If your dog sniffs you, it's just because he wants to get to know you better. If your friend sniffs you, then you've got one weird friend. *It's a bad idea to walk up to a policeman and say, "Oh, Mr. Policeman, take me to prison, please!" *An apple a day keeps the doctor away. (Followed by her pelting a doctor with apples) *This is no way to treat the world. (Followed by Lori Beth punching a globe) *One, two, buckle my shoe. Hey, buckle my shoe, I've got a show to do here! (Then a stagehand runs on stage and buckles Danny's shoe.) *When you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. When you step on a rusty nail, you say “AHHHHHH!” *It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's ping pong. *Everybody likes the smell of Grandma's cooking. No one likes the smell of Grandma's pajamas. *If you're over at your friend's house for dinner, and his mom offers you seconds, it's not nice to say, "Get real, lady! I had a hard time trying to get that crud down the first time!" *Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Who's this guy Moe and why is he so Eeny, Meeny, and Miny? *A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks. *Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck 12 and flung the mouse 30 feet across the room. *If you laugh, the world laughs with you. If you walk around with a chicken in your pants, the world laughs in your face. *They say opposites attract. (picks up a feather) I wonder what the opposite of a feather is. (a giant boulder flies over and hits the host) *I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door. *If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO! *Never pour gravy on yourself and run around, screaming, "Hey, look at me! I'm Meatloaf Girl!". *When you fall in the toilet, it is best not to start swimming saying, "Look at me! I'm a toilet fish!" *If you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it's considered rude to do this. (sticks the tissue to a lamp) *If you get all Fs on your report card, don't feel bad. It's not your fault you're stupid! *Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off! *If you have a stomach ache, see a doctor, not a lion. Because the lion would probably just bite your head off. *If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't fit, then shove it in your pants. *You can brush your teeth, but you can't brush your knees. *If you have a hammer, for the love of God, don't hammer in the morning. *Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. Old MacDonald never bathed. PU, PU, PU! *If you drop a bowling ball on your foot, it's all right to yell, "AAAAAUUGH!" *If you're waiting on line, it could be wrong to turn around to the person behind you and say, "I am still in front of you! I am still in front of you; I AM!". *A duck says quack, a cow says moo, and I say, "Get off my property before I call the cops!" *Never go up to the meanest, toughest kid in school and say, "Hey, girly-boy, beat me up. Beat me up real bad." (This was the very first piece of Vital Information.) *If you jump off a plane and your parachute doesn't work, (laughs) Bye-bye! *Don't put sugar on your hamster and say, "Oooooh, what a sweet hamster." *If this is the last thing you ever do, guess what, you're dead! *If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I'm not eating a sandwich at your house! *Never feed your dog three pounds of beef just so you can say, "Look at my new stuffed animal!" *There's no real reason to play basketball naked. *If you have a friend that says, "I'm a little gumdrop, and I like to push my face into things that are sharp and pointy," then you've got one weird friend. *If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, "Hey, thanks for the pizza...could you help me put it in my pants?" *After you blow out your birthday candles, if someone asks you what you wished for, it's rude to say, "I wished you were a giant piece of ham so I could poke you with my fork!" *It's a bad idea to cover your head with honey, stick it in a beehive, and say, "Here, bees! Feast on my sweet head!" *If you are wearing a T-shirt that says, "I'm extremely stupid," then you're extremely stupid. *At fine restaurants, it's considered rude to butter yourself. *It's fun to take a hot bubble bath, but no fun to dance the Hot Bubble McGee. *It's not nice to buy a gallon of blue paint, wait till your mom falls asleep, paint her, and then say, "What's the matter, Mama? Feeling blue?" *If you're on a first date with somebody, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, "Lookie, date, I'm makin' sketti circles!" *If you look at a sign and it says "wibly bidly wobly woo", congratulations, you can't read. *One potato, two potato, three potato, four. I rode a bike that had no seat, and now my butt is sore. *Never sit around and think about how wonderful life is, and then you don't hire something, ya freak! *If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you put a fish in your pants, you feel all silly. *If people were more like animals, our carpets would have many more stains. * It's not nice to go up to someone, shove waffles up their nose and say, "Who's got a nose full of waffles? You do!" * Life is full of little surprises. My pants are filled with little firecrackers. (multiple firecrackers pop in Danny's pants) *If you can't stand the heat, don't just start throwing rocks at people. *If your friend's mom asks you what you would like to drink, don't say "Oh, nothing, my mouth's full of spit." *It is better to sit there and look stupid, than it is to stand up, open your mouth and announce "Hey, I'm definitely stupid!" *If you're on time, that's good. If you're on fire, try yelling "AAAAHHHH!!!" *If you're afraid of heights, don't climb up a ladder. If you're afraid of marshmallows, don't climb up a ladder made of marshmallows. *The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The squeaky mouse gets eaten by a snake, then slowly digested. Bless his heart. *If your mom has a deep voice, and she got hair all over her back...YOUR MAMA'S A DUDE! *If your best friend sends you a text message that says "Hey! I hate your guts!", then you probably got a problem with your best friend. *If you're wearing a bra and some pink underwear, then you're either a girl or you're...this guy. (A guy wearing the same aforementioned clothing comes in) *It's nice to help your mom clean the kitchen. It's not nice to hit foreign people over the head with farm animals. *Stupid is as stupid does. So if you're stupid, then so are the stupid things you does. *It's fun to change your mind. It's not fun to change your elephant's diapers. *Ice cream tastes good. Armpits taste bad. *It's good to make a sandwich. It's weird to make out with a sandwich. *If your cell phone only gets reception from inside of an elephant, then you just might wanna get out of that elephant! *Putting a little salt and butter on your popcorn makes it taste good. Putting a little salt and butter on your underwear...no, no, no, no, no, that's not right! *If your combination to your locker is 14-7-21... (Laughs and puts on a hat) I appreciate the hat, player! *A hamster makes a delightful pet. A hamster with lettuce and tomato makes a delightful sandwich. *The Earth revolves around the sun. A hula hoop revolves around...your butt. *Wearing perfume makes you smell nice, unless you're wearing a perfume called "Le Skunk, De Poop". *A wise man saves his pennies for a rainy day. A crazy man saves his boogers for a booger and cheese sandwich. *If your favorite color is horse, then you just might need to learn what the word 'color' means. *There's a million stars in the sky. There's a million scars on Billy Kimble, the Human Dogboy. *Hanukkah is a festival of lights. Buttika is a festival of buttocks. *Where there's a will, there's a way. Where there's a buffalo, watch your step! *If you eat a cheeseburger for lunch, it's cool. Unless you left that cheeseburger in your backyard for three weeks, it's gonna look a little something like this. (Reveals a three-week-old cheeseburger) Here you go, cameraman, you look a little hungry. (Throws the burger to the cameraman) *If your grandmother smells like blue cheese, gym shorts, and some rotten eggs, it may be time for your grandma to get in a bathtub. *It's not polite to stare. It's really not polite to blow your nose in a rabbit. *A penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny earned will buy you absolutely nothing. *They say, "People living in glass houses should never throw stones." I say, "People wearing glass underwear should never sit down!". *Teach a man to fish, and he won't go hungry. Teach a piece of toast to fish, and... "You've just wasted a lot of time, crazy toast lady!". *Violence is never the answer... unless the question is, "What rhymes with schmiolence?". *If you can't feed them, join them... unless they are eggs. Never join eggs; trust me! *Leopards cannot change their spots, but my friend Spot has changed his leopard, like, six times! Pick a leopard and stick to it, Spot! *Good things come to those who wait. (after checking her watch, a salesman brings Reece, the new vital anchor, a bag filled with a puppy, an ice cream cone, and lots of bubbles) *If your dad wears the pants in your family, that's good. If your dad wears no pants, then your daddy naked! *It's better to give than to receive, especially if you receive garbage. *When you're finished watching a videotape, press rewind. When you're finished eating three pounds of ham, press puke. *If your grandpa is in the shower, don't say, "Hurry up! It's not naked time for you!" *It's not nice to pick up a computer, slam it onto someone's head and say, "Oh, sorry. I was just trying to format your brain." *It's good to wish upon a star. It's weird to wish upon a pimple. *On Halloween, it's fun to go to people's doors and say, "Trick or treat." On Groundhog's Day, it's fun to go up to people's doors and say, "It's Groundhog's Day! Now let me look between your toes!" *10 million years ago, dinosaurs ruled the Earth. 10 minutes ago, I ruled the women's restroom. *You can get clean by scrubbing yourself with a bar of soap; you can get bitten by scrubbing yourself with a squirrel. *If you don't have something nice to say to someone, then make sure you have something heavy to throw. *If you ever laugh so hard that milk comes out of your nose, put it in your brother's cereal, because after all, it's good to recycle. *Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. No one cared. *When meeting a new friend, it's nice to say, "Hello, pleased to meet you." It's not nice to say, "Get outta my face, jipple-joe nasty pants!" Trivia *This segment was the longest running sketch on All That. Videos Category:Skits Category:Sketches